Dmitri the Stud: A Story of Dark Humour, Hilarity, and Self-Reflection...

After a two-day (My own doing; not any airlines or anything like that) journey to my new home, I check Facebook and find that one of my friends has posted a lovely (in a very dark way) story about a guy who is known colloquially in Toronto as "Dmitri the Stud!"

Long story short, girl goes out to have drinks with friends and is approached by our friend Dmitri. According to said girl, he keeps pestering her about how cute she is, yada yada yada. To get rid of him, she hands him her business card and he goes along his merry way only to call later on and basically hand her his very abstract life story that sounds almost too good to be true (Why do I keep thinking of myself when I'm writing this?). He later issues a very veiled threat to return his call as a way to save face by advertising himself as the catch of the century.

This "stud" should learn some serious lessons, and this comes from experience. In a similar manner, Dmitri reminds me of myself a few years back. I was an insecure person who tried to save face and market himself as the perfect guy. I won't say whether it worked or not since that is the past and we all learn from the mistakes we make or perfect our technique...

Anyhow, here's a few rules for our friend Dmitri:

1. No such thing as a perfect guy. Flaws help to create character. A man without a flaw is a man without a character (Maybe I'm compensating for myself when I say that!). I have my flaws and I'm sure a lot of my friends can name them without thinking! I don't know if my flaws are attractive, and judging by the number of women that approach me... oh wait, next line...

2. NEVER tell a woman how many other women approach you (real or imaginary) per day/week/month/annum as a way to show yourself as a stud. It should be common knowledge but in case it isn't: in our culture, one woman is (read: should be) the world of the man, not "six or seven!" If you're a guy from another culture and want to pick up a woman in the typical western world, don't talk about other women, no matter how real they may be and if you really like her, it is a HUGE turn-off. I'm just saying this from personal observations...

3. Job and money: I don't know why this should be included at all when you meet someone for the first time in an attempt to "pick up" said person. Someone who instantly mentions their job or pay (either numerically or saying that "it pays great") is really insecure about him/herself (I really should take this piece of advice for myself!). We all have our moments of insecurity, don't let it take over you. If you feel insecure, do something that'll make you feel better. Some like to kick back with a few drinks, but I haven't found my groove yet...

4. Implying that the woman has psychological/personal issues as the main reason for not calling back is just plain wrong. I don't think I need to explain this!

5. This is anecdotal, but a woman likes to be told she's pretty to a certain extent. By which I mean that they'd love to be told they're pretty, but they also want to be seen as a person who has achieved something apart from looking pretty. None of my close female friends want to be seen as a sex object. Try the lost art of conversation and get her talking about things she knows and does. You know what? By this point, I should be taking all of this advice for myself too so I'm not going to say "I should really take this piece of advice" anymore!

6. Finally, if she doesn't return your contact, she's not interested. It has happened to me before, and it will happen again. It is just as inevitable as the sun rising. Funny how I write it and realize just how much this last rule hurts but that's my reality.

I wrote these "rules" down because it pisses me off to see a guy act so desperate in his 20's (at least) since I see myself as a teenager and I must say, I don't yearn to go back since I am enjoying my third decade much more. I had my happy moments, the times that I would never forget were there, and I have made friends that last a lifetime so I'm not the least bit upset about being a teenager. Being a teenager was an awkward time of discovery that would sometimes feel humiliating but in hindsight, was no biggie.

A lot of things go through my mind when I write this down. I think about certain people, what I've said to them, and other things. Sometimes I come off too strong, sometimes I don't seem interested enough and sometimes I just ignore them and boast about myself (I'm trying to work on this last one). I've realized that this Dmitri fellow is the man inside us all who yearns for that special someone and when he finds her, can't explain to himself why she won't return his calls so he makes up things to ease the pain of his shortcomings and part of it is blaming her in some manner or another. I have been in that boat and I can't say that I'm off it completely since it wouldn't define me properly.

The only difference between Dmitri and myself is that he expresses it in words to which we all think he is a borderline psychopath and should instead stand in front of the mirror and do certain things to himself that I won't write down since he believes that he is God's gift to women!

Still, I don't have a job that pays great and I don't think that six or seven women approach me every day - unless they're airline stewardesses and asking me if I'd like tea or coffee!

EDIT: I found out that this "Dmitri the Stud" is actually an actor and this is a viral advertising campaign of some sort...